What happens when you walk into that conversation when your friends or coworkers are talking about you? The other you? The one they see? And they don’t stop or apologize? Do you turn away or watch the slow motion train wreck? At the point of where they don’t care if you hear or not means the comments aren’t the most positive.
There’s a younger woman at work whose personalities is in conflict of mine. The age gap translates into having nothing in common other than working in the same place. Two different generations and upbring. The difference is cultural more than the distance of place or family. This isn’t an office environment with artificial rules to grease the wheels of teamwork and positive interactions. Or a creative space. Both have a shared,if somewhat loosely shared value system. I work in a warehouse where social skills are somewhat lacking. Including mine. With no hope of being hired in, all I want is to do my job for twelve hours and come close to paying my bills. Most of my readers have been in the same place at one point or still are. Times being what they are.

Take the best talent in one area. Move it to another because they’ve been there the longest. Add the threat of a write up for any mistake because an unattainable standards of perfection demanded from an out state office drone. Fold in a special spice of Peter Principal. All spread over a OCD personalities in an environment of shifting rules. All directed through a voice that sets your teeth on edge. With sprinkles of fear. A toxic cookie at best.
The thing is, it never bothered me until last year.The past few years of personal growth smashed the struggle to swim upstream over some jagged rocks. It seems it was the wrong current to begin with. For better or worse, becoming a calmer more relaxed human redirected all that energy. The true Me can now glide along the slower current flowing next to the one I used to fight against. One bit of wisdom is we change until the pain become manageable again. A sidestep can bring great change. A new prism through which we see the world.
So to all those coworkers this is also an apology for past sins. I have come face to face with the old Me. A reflection of bad behavior. Being a root cause of many of the problems and stress that make you dread coming into work. Having the knowledge that I created the same feeling I struggled with on the drive in is a kick in the jewels.
This is one more of those realizations that unlock the next in line. the pain knocks the weakened connection points free. They’re waiting in ambush or simply float there until you turn away another stressful situation. Surprise. Come on in. Let’s have a chat.No I’ll sit in your favorite chair for this one.
Lucky my solution is to ask for transfer to another shift. Being half a century old, my ability to learn new social skills have become harder with knowledge of my shortcomings. The gentle pressure from a loving woman who tolerates me is absent. My baser honest mature is present 24/7. The Chinese proverb about living in interesting times has become a daily motto. It’s a choice between laughter or anger. I’ll let you know. Right now it a moment to moment thing.

Endnote. Self help book writers are overwhelming uber positive. A passionate personal emotional appeal is the basis of all professional salesman. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing unless it’s a product that does harm. But they seem to gloss over the hard personal struggles of those quiet decisions made in the darkness. Those are what those in the audience who need that slight nudge to live a better life. Better is an intensely personal definition. Or maybe I’m just a self centered commentator throwing stones at the bright shiny from the lingering twilight.