The life we create for ourselves comes complete with certain slack times when reflection is possible.  My experience with this is after some outside force challenges the illusion of your basic assumptions.  The reality we act out on the stage of our own construction can have a fault trap door or two. The Cosmic Chaos generator has a very low sense of humor.  It’s what happens afterward that is the lesson.  A ladder or a step in a different direction. Welcome to free will.  True freedom sets the conditions for going hungry and becoming homeless. In a word failure.

The essence of Chaos Theory is no experiment can be repeated due to the infinite number of variables acting on that point of time.  On a human scale, we can see, hear and feel the train going.  The first choice is pay attention.  How many of us have watched the slow car crash of someone elses life?  How much that person is liked determines if it’s popcorn or an intervention that is sought. It’s a guilty pleasure.  But for the grace of god exposing a certain callousness. Intimate personal relationships carry special weight. Failed couples with children have lost the cushion deeply felt positive emotions provide.  in some ways naked conflict is easier because of the barriers those negative feelings build. The passion of my marriage died a slow death.  Being truthful, it was my lack of effort.  I may have been a crappy husband but a good Dad. That’s why we both put our kids first in all things.

My ex drops them off every morning so I can take them to school.  We talk about many things and know which to avoid. Those are sharp edges that cut deepest.  The person you live with changes with time. A failed marriage is second only to the death of a spouse in emotional turmoil.  Only now those two people must negotiate with someone they think they know.  The conflict between an old life and a new.  I’ve been guardedly honest about my Bi-polar struggles.  Imagine if you will that chaos is the norm. After the first two implosions, you start questioning every thought on the down swings.  And never question them while gliding with style. That was my life until four years ago.  30 years of flawed decisions.  Stuck in the middle of high functioning until.  The until kills.  

Now the medication has allowed clear choices.  One such is upon me.  The newness of the sidestep instead of the climbing the ladder are still touching.  The stress of unemployment is lessened by hope of a plan.  The soul killing thought of walking once more into a job repeated from my past is much worse.  That is what this past weekend held.  The pro and cons viewed through the now led to a decision.  To those on the outside it will appear short sighted.  Could end up that way.  Exercising freedom of choice has a cost.  It could be high.  It’s not how many times you fall but how many times you get up.  Cliche? Sure.  Doesn’t make any less true.  

So decision made.  Now it’s time to ride the tiger.  

Thank You for taking time to read this.  Actively practicing my skill to make this a less painful experience for the reader.